Other side

 You know it's funny, you always complained about how I always slept on the same side of the bed all those years and now that I don't have to share and make a choice, I sleep on the other side of the bed... naturally.

The dark secret

The dark secret that just sits on the surface,

My dark secret,

The one that no one really knows,

The one that isn't ridiculous like the small things I just chose not to share,

Not like the times I've been drunk and hurt people I care about and not really knowing what I did, but also too afraid to ask,

Not like the things I am ashamed of,

The dark one that owns me,

The one that tells a story of the lack of joy,

Constantly looking but not finding happiness,

Maybe not knowing it when it happens,

It seems that I am always unhappy,

That I can see joy but always find myself on the outside looking in,

Not knowing how to experience it,

Not feeling like I belong anywhere,

Wanting to no longer be here but lacking the courage to be done,

To end,

Feeling the defeat of all my efforts failing,

Not being brave enough to cut loose of the small comforts I hold onto and take a chance at something great,

Something that could bring the joy,

So I wander on this surface,

Lost,

Alone on the inside,

Fading,

Obscure,

Just waiting...  to die.

Limerence

 You still kill me softly, quietly...

Wounds without weapons or words...

Year after year with no end...

I have no defense from your sweetness...

Haunting, brilliant, graceful, fulfilling...

Moments and memories that still spark...

It brings, it stings, and then sorrow...

Knowing tomorrow isn't for me...

That this love is purposely set aside...

An old broken play thing...

Discarded at your leisure...

So the pleasure and the forever...

Was just a lie or a tease...

And is never mine...

Still I am pining...

Every wish, every prayer...

Cast from despair...

Meeting the same sad end...

Nothing...

Yet this heart still bleeds for you...

Needs for you...

Calls out and pleads for you...

And what can I do...

Nothing...

You own my thoughts...

Your stitching and bewitching...

Too hard to untangle...

Or maybe too hard to let go of...

I remember us...

I defended us...

Why did you not fight for us...

The bitter living

 What is the point of anything at all? 

You're proving nothing to no one for no purpose at all. All the reasons you think up are nothing but vanishing imagination. Forgettable forever. All that matters is actual matter. It's here as one thing one day and then gone and parts of other things else where the next day. We only tease ourselves that anything we do means anything. This is our great theme park of distractions. Welcome to life as a awkward sack of fleshy glop and bones. All your thoughts existing in an unknown emptiness that swallows them and they are gone in an instant to do nothing at all. Writing this means nothing, does nothing. Spark, spark, spark in my organic head space and gone without a trace.

Presence

 What do you think about during the day? What thoughts traffic your mind? Being present sometimes seems like the largest struggle in life. 

Another Melancholy Monday

 Feeling alone, when you are not. So tired when you've had plenty of sleep. Putting one foot forward in seemingly no direction. Anticipating tomorrow to be no different 

Broken hearted

I never felt entitled to your forgiveness... but I did expect it, of all people, from you.

To Be Free

 True forgiveness.... Like real, pure true forgiveness... Feels like the sun hitting your face for the first time after many days of darkness, taking your breath away for a moment to remind you how much you are connected to everything and how fragile we all are, and you could lose it all in an instant, but in that brief moment of pause you are alive without any other thought or feeling, you are alive as if it was the first time you opened your eyes to the world, and time disappears, nothing else matters, you are blinded but can also see so clearly,  you are free...  

Still Life

 When everything is quiet...

Dark...

Still...

I can sometimes hear The Black,

But the buzz of life...

Drowns out it's beauty.

Children of Movement

 I do not choose to force the world to turn. It will turn, and so I too will turn with it. I have spent too many hours trying to will it to stop. It moves with a force that is beyond us, beyond what we can control... What we should control. You cannot orchestrate the turning. It doesn't need you to do that, but you still find yourself pretending to conduct the turning. One day I will learn to give into the turn. Let it take me... Let it guide me... Let it bring me wholly with the turn. All things are temporary and beyond us. All we need is to understand is the the turn... The pull... The movement. We exist to flow with the turning, to be in constant motion... Mind and body... Until we are not. We are the children of movement. The Earth our Mother, Time our Father. Both equally caring and loving... But also "not". We are no different, we are these pieces to our own children, and as such they will love us and hate us equally for these things. No matter how we try to justify ourselves. Turn.

Always

Nothing more worse then the feeling I get from seeing you in pain.

Sometimes I know not what I have done to hurt you,

But somehow it happened.

If not by force then by some dumb luck that plagues my intelligence.

The frustration and shame I feel is nothing less than overwhelming,

To hurt you is to puncture my own heart.

I lose a beat every time I think of losing you, and that is a great amount of times.

I strive to be the best I can and fall short many, many, many times.

Still... I don't know what to do about it.

Keep on trying?

Trying to please every aspect of my senses and falling short?

Falling flat on my face.

Is this a clash between us, or is it all my fault?

I'm used to blaming myself, so it always seems like the sure answer.

I fuck up...

What do you want from me?

I'm sorry.

I fuck up... 

I fuck up a lot.

Just don't leave me for being honest.

Don't leave me for fucking up.

Don't leave me for making a mistake.

Don't leave me because I am human.

Love me, because I will always love you.

Hope

Run and hide,
No matter how far,
No matter how long,
It is coming for you,
The faults of your past,
Live to hunt you down,
Manifested for the purpose,
Of bringing you to your knees,
The lash of a humbling whip,
Breaking down all you thought you had mastered,
Taking away your sweet imagination of control,
It never existed,
It is only a dream you tease yourself with,
It is already lost,
Waiting,
Dodging,
Stepping out slyly,
Nothing will stop it,
All that is left is the fall,
Open or closed,
Eyes will see this through,
The thoughts will come,
The pain will hum,
You will be naked and alone,
Powerless and with hope...

A fatal word,
Once you give into it,
It is already too late,
A last throw of futility,
When all is lost it rears its head,
Crawling around as a shadow to all you know,
Letting loose the false grasp to the world,
Do you believe?
Create your own myth,
Say it in repeat,
Make it a belief,
Does it feel better?
A flicker of life that keeps you going,
Why is it's pull so strong?
How does it keep you going?
When there is nothing how can it still be?
Wrapping you in imaginary arms,
Taking you to a paradise in time,
It only has a moment but can live forever,
Dragging you,
Kicking...
Screaming...
Pleading...
Release me...

Is it ever really over when it's over?
Does it all go away?
Any of it?
We conceive and relate,
Read texts again and again,
Retrace history,
Contemplate what is divine,
What is it we find?
Comfort?
Solace?
Or does our mind just drift off,
In space and time?
No one knows,
We just hold on with death's grip to it...
Hope.

I, CE

I, CE

Sometimes to forget is the only saving grace,
A place of still calm,
That lays in my palms,
Slapping me awake again,
From a restless dream of an embrace,
So lost,
Fled for the mercy of another,
A scorn lover,
I shudder at the thought,
Repeating these long lonely nights,
Losing sight of the importance of all things,
One becomes the only,
Nothing left to hold me,
The struggle still unfolding,
Cold and broken again,
Unrepentant sins,
If only prayer could answer all,
And God would take my call,
I would be better,
Or reaping this failure,
Over and over,
Rolling up for cover,
Frozen without a lover.

Unrest

Unrest

• 
  

Do you understand?
Can you hold the pain?
Can you defend against the hard push from all sides?
All eyes closing in,
Being judged again...

Are you no good?
A failed toy that does not give joy,
That only lays broken on the floor?
A grin lost to a frown again.
Settle in...
The bumps and lumps are coming.
Best not to start running,
For it will only increase the chance of tripping and falling harder.

Can you feel the thick air?
The quiet humble sigh?
The loss of "You" and "I"?
A chest bare and hallowing out,
Letting loose,
Giving way to screams and shouts,
All trapped... Alas.

Time repeats itself,
Time repeats itself,
Fallen off your shelf and smashed into tiny bits of rough glass,
Can we all just laugh again?
Can we all wish and then have a dream that makes it worth saving?
The silence leaves me craving,
Ravenous for a life that flashes in my eyes,
But flies away in a breeze of worn empathy.

The mind begins to plead,
The limbs tirelessly need...
The mind then only will feed on itself.
A sickness for all my wealth of love and patience,
Things I always held too and felt through,
Trying only to get to you.
The place is empty.
It does not want me or need me to just be.
Can you release or just fall to pieces?

Brittle and enraged,
Casting lonely gazes,
Looking for new results in impossible mazes,
The heart wants it does not receive,
It dies a little,
Another plea...
Come back to me,
Don't rule out hope,
Every day changes faster then the next,
Will I always be this thing,
The thing that brings unrest?

Opposite of Pessimism

There is always a light in the darkness.

Facing the Mirror

I'm trying to come to terms with when and why it happened, but I stopped being able to face myself in the mirror and be happy with what was looking at me. Whatever steps it takes to make this better I did not take, instead going the total opposite direction. I lost sight of the things about me to love. I could only see the parts that I didn't love. So much that I no longer just did this in the mirror, but with my whole life. I lost sight of the things around me that I loved. Tried to bury this self loathing and inability to see the good things in life away. Took every new worry that popped up as an attack on me while I was already waving a white flag inside. And I suffered this alone. I took people along with me on the journey, but I did not let them help me. I did try to let the help in, but the help I got did nothing to ease my worry... If anything it made it worse. It drove me further down into this misery.
I've gotten on the right path. It was hard and is gut wrenching. It's taking incredible pain to put me in a place where I can reverse all this damage I've done to myself. But there has been collateral damage. Harm done to those that I love dearly and hold so close. Now I am faced with having to let some of that love go... In hopes that my damage to them can be undone and they can feel the things that I have not been able to feel for myself. It's yet another obstacle that makes it harder and more painful to do the work that I must do. It makes doing this work seem like it is all in vain. I have people who depend on me and need me. And to be there for them, to be there for them in the ways that they need, I need to do this work and not lose sight of it. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have caused, I can't take it back. I can only prove that it was something I did not intend by taking care of myself and being able to love myself and things in the world around me. You are in my heart.

Fear does not knock

Fear does not knock. It enters as if it were a beloved friend... Someone you would call family even if they were not of your own blood, but it is unwelcome. Fear doesn't ask, it takes everything and only gives back pain. It used to help keep me alive, a caring guide for a child with little knowledge of the world around them. But now it steals independence from a growing soul that is older and wiser. A soul that can see the world more vividly... That can decide what experiences it should be taking in. But fear does not let go ... It continues to see me as a child. It's constant worry double checking my choices... Making me see a world that does not exist. So many different versions of what reality is until what I know and what truth is becomes obscured. Fear completes the circle, connecting dots from half truths and blurred images to create a completeness of only lies. Fear is not a mind reader. Fear is not a camera lens. Fear is a doubter, a liar, a story maker. A friend telling you what is good for you but without knowing the truth. I don't know how to greet you as an old care giver and guide, and not as an unwelcome guest. Kicking down my door and upsetting my world.

I am beyond simple truths. Fire burns, hurts and destroys... But gives warmth, light in the darkness and rebirth. Not touching the earth with ones own feet can be a precursor to falling down and crashing... Breaking the body to unrepairable lengths... But it can also be uplifting and exhilarating. Flying like a bird, swimming like a fish, gliding on the waves or sliding down a hill. Loving with your whole self stings. Trusting completely is a sacrifice of everything... But love can also be the sweetest fruit that has ever filled your body and trust is the new care giver... The one that sees you as an adult.. The one that tells fear to let go... The one that knows you have been hurt and will be hurt again, and that life is a river that's flow is not always quiet and calm. It knows that embracing the river means death, but also life. It means falling down, but standing strong. It means learning new things, both good and bad, but learning all the same. It is mystifying and dizzying, turning you around and around, but always giving you a different view. A better chance at understanding the world around you.

I want to hold the hand of trust and embrace fear as an old friend... Say thank you and goodbye. Cherish the lessons, but move on to bigger thinking. Open a new book with millions of pages and see it as a journey that does not need to end, instead of an impossible task. Fear does not knock... For fear is fear and will always be afraid of the things it does not know. It will always make assumptions and complete the circle without looking or taking a journey in faith... Without asking questions or for directions. Fear is a medicine that you do not need, that does not help you grow... That only holds you down. Please leave old friend... And come only with permission.

Michigan Winter overture

It is a very cool night and I know that I myself have been complaining a bit about the heat... and while it is very nearly Summer, a nice little Spring chill is a beautiful thing. It lets you remember the cold of Winter (Without the brutal freezing cold) and you can rejoice one more time (Before the endless heat hits) in some of the things that make Winter in Michigan so special... like taking a warm shower and putting on some comfy socks... or having a warm cup of coffee... or snuggling up in a blanket on the sofa with a movie and popcorn... and take a few moments to relive the past 6 months that have just seemed to fly right by... yeah, it was pretty nice! Nothing left to do now but crack the window, feel the cool air, listen to the slow rain and relax.

-mark

Off the wagon!!!

It hit me today how chaotic and stressful the last few days have been as my wife and I are rushing the kids through a fast after dinner walk and my daughter asks if we can stop and look at the flowers... and we say nope we have to hurry because we need to be back home soon... and then she stops in protest and asks, "Why can't we just stop and smell the flowers" (Which just happened to be roses I might add). She was right of course, we hadn't really taken the time to do that over the last few days. Everything has been kind of a blur... and the heat didn't help, it just kind of defeated me before I could get going. I even read through the past few things I have written and noticed a decline in the "Happiness" theme of which this blog is dedicated (Sorry for that). Although things were a little less then happy, I could sense that there were things heavy on my mind that I had to air out. And I think that, while not the most happy, cleansing the mind of the things that are weighing heavy on you is sometimes the only pathway to positive, happy thinking and reflection. So now that all that is behind me for the moment I will stop and smell the flowers, but probably not until I can get a good nights rest ;-) So good night!!! And don't forget to stop and smell the flowers once and awhile!

-mark

May 27: Organic Human Machines...

Sometimes going to sleep feels so good... but then at the same time it's the last thing you really want to do. This is where I am at and I still haven't decided which direction I would like to go... but either way I'm sure I will not want to get up in the morning... mostly because it is always too early! "You can sleep when you're dead", they say... but you can't function if you don't sleep. Ying and yang... I swear that the clock was the worst invention ever. Who really needs "Time" on their back nagging them constantly. Months become days, days become hours, hours become minutes and seconds barely ever exist. It seems so unnatural the way we function from day to day. I like to joke about it, but sometimes I really do think we're becoming organic human machines. Schedule... commit... perform... repeat and repeat again! I wonder what life would be like if we all just let it flow. If your life was just one big ocean and each day was a ripple in the water, that starts out small and builds like a wave and becomes... naturally, until it runs its course leaving each day complete instead of fragmented. Then the next day would just begin when it happens and worries come and leave like grains of sand shifting with the crashing waves. Man, I'm really dishing out some major horse-sh*t... guess it's time for bed ;-)

-mark