Opposite of Pessimism

There is always a light in the darkness.

Facing the Mirror

I'm trying to come to terms with when and why it happened, but I stopped being able to face myself in the mirror and be happy with what was looking at me. Whatever steps it takes to make this better I did not take, instead going the total opposite direction. I lost sight of the things about me to love. I could only see the parts that I didn't love. So much that I no longer just did this in the mirror, but with my whole life. I lost sight of the things around me that I loved. Tried to bury this self loathing and inability to see the good things in life away. Took every new worry that popped up as an attack on me while I was already waving a white flag inside. And I suffered this alone. I took people along with me on the journey, but I did not let them help me. I did try to let the help in, but the help I got did nothing to ease my worry... If anything it made it worse. It drove me further down into this misery.
I've gotten on the right path. It was hard and is gut wrenching. It's taking incredible pain to put me in a place where I can reverse all this damage I've done to myself. But there has been collateral damage. Harm done to those that I love dearly and hold so close. Now I am faced with having to let some of that love go... In hopes that my damage to them can be undone and they can feel the things that I have not been able to feel for myself. It's yet another obstacle that makes it harder and more painful to do the work that I must do. It makes doing this work seem like it is all in vain. I have people who depend on me and need me. And to be there for them, to be there for them in the ways that they need, I need to do this work and not lose sight of it. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have caused, I can't take it back. I can only prove that it was something I did not intend by taking care of myself and being able to love myself and things in the world around me. You are in my heart.