The dark secret

The dark secret that just sits on the surface,

My dark secret,

The one that no one really knows,

The one that isn't ridiculous like the small things I just chose not to share,

Not like the times I've been drunk and hurt people I care about and not really knowing what I did, but also too afraid to ask,

Not like the things I am ashamed of,

The dark one that owns me,

The one that tells a story of the lack of joy,

Constantly looking but not finding happiness,

Maybe not knowing it when it happens,

It seems that I am always unhappy,

That I can see joy but always find myself on the outside looking in,

Not knowing how to experience it,

Not feeling like I belong anywhere,

Wanting to no longer be here but lacking the courage to be done,

To end,

Feeling the defeat of all my efforts failing,

Not being brave enough to cut loose of the small comforts I hold onto and take a chance at something great,

Something that could bring the joy,

So I wander on this surface,

Lost,

Alone on the inside,

Fading,

Obscure,

Just waiting...  to die.