To Be Free

 True forgiveness.... Like real, pure true forgiveness... Feels like the sun hitting your face for the first time after many days of darkness, taking your breath away for a moment to remind you how much you are connected to everything and how fragile we all are, and you could lose it all in an instant, but in that brief moment of pause you are alive without any other thought or feeling, you are alive as if it was the first time you opened your eyes to the world, and time disappears, nothing else matters, you are blinded but can also see so clearly,  you are free...  

Still Life

 When everything is quiet...

Dark...

Still...

I can sometimes hear The Black,

But the buzz of life...

Drowns out it's beauty.

Children of Movement

 I do not choose to force the world to turn. It will turn, and so I too will turn with it. I have spent too many hours trying to will it to stop. It moves with a force that is beyond us, beyond what we can control... What we should control. You cannot orchestrate the turning. It doesn't need you to do that, but you still find yourself pretending to conduct the turning. One day I will learn to give into the turn. Let it take me... Let it guide me... Let it bring me wholly with the turn. All things are temporary and beyond us. All we need is to understand is the the turn... The pull... The movement. We exist to flow with the turning, to be in constant motion... Mind and body... Until we are not. We are the children of movement. The Earth our Mother, Time our Father. Both equally caring and loving... But also "not". We are no different, we are these pieces to our own children, and as such they will love us and hate us equally for these things. No matter how we try to justify ourselves. Turn.

Always

Nothing more worse then the feeling I get from seeing you in pain.

Sometimes I know not what I have done to hurt you,

But somehow it happened.

If not by force then by some dumb luck that plagues my intelligence.

The frustration and shame I feel is nothing less than overwhelming,

To hurt you is to puncture my own heart.

I lose a beat every time I think of losing you, and that is a great amount of times.

I strive to be the best I can and fall short many, many, many times.

Still... I don't know what to do about it.

Keep on trying?

Trying to please every aspect of my senses and falling short?

Falling flat on my face.

Is this a clash between us, or is it all my fault?

I'm used to blaming myself, so it always seems like the sure answer.

I fuck up...

What do you want from me?

I'm sorry.

I fuck up... 

I fuck up a lot.

Just don't leave me for being honest.

Don't leave me for fucking up.

Don't leave me for making a mistake.

Don't leave me because I am human.

Love me, because I will always love you.

Hope

Run and hide,
No matter how far,
No matter how long,
It is coming for you,
The faults of your past,
Live to hunt you down,
Manifested for the purpose,
Of bringing you to your knees,
The lash of a humbling whip,
Breaking down all you thought you had mastered,
Taking away your sweet imagination of control,
It never existed,
It is only a dream you tease yourself with,
It is already lost,
Waiting,
Dodging,
Stepping out slyly,
Nothing will stop it,
All that is left is the fall,
Open or closed,
Eyes will see this through,
The thoughts will come,
The pain will hum,
You will be naked and alone,
Powerless and with hope...

A fatal word,
Once you give into it,
It is already too late,
A last throw of futility,
When all is lost it rears its head,
Crawling around as a shadow to all you know,
Letting loose the false grasp to the world,
Do you believe?
Create your own myth,
Say it in repeat,
Make it a belief,
Does it feel better?
A flicker of life that keeps you going,
Why is it's pull so strong?
How does it keep you going?
When there is nothing how can it still be?
Wrapping you in imaginary arms,
Taking you to a paradise in time,
It only has a moment but can live forever,
Dragging you,
Kicking...
Screaming...
Pleading...
Release me...

Is it ever really over when it's over?
Does it all go away?
Any of it?
We conceive and relate,
Read texts again and again,
Retrace history,
Contemplate what is divine,
What is it we find?
Comfort?
Solace?
Or does our mind just drift off,
In space and time?
No one knows,
We just hold on with death's grip to it...
Hope.

I, CE

I, CE

Sometimes to forget is the only saving grace,
A place of still calm,
That lays in my palms,
Slapping me awake again,
From a restless dream of an embrace,
So lost,
Fled for the mercy of another,
A scorn lover,
I shudder at the thought,
Repeating these long lonely nights,
Losing sight of the importance of all things,
One becomes the only,
Nothing left to hold me,
The struggle still unfolding,
Cold and broken again,
Unrepentant sins,
If only prayer could answer all,
And God would take my call,
I would be better,
Or reaping this failure,
Over and over,
Rolling up for cover,
Frozen without a lover.

Unrest

Unrest

• 
  

Do you understand?
Can you hold the pain?
Can you defend against the hard push from all sides?
All eyes closing in,
Being judged again...

Are you no good?
A failed toy that does not give joy,
That only lays broken on the floor?
A grin lost to a frown again.
Settle in...
The bumps and lumps are coming.
Best not to start running,
For it will only increase the chance of tripping and falling harder.

Can you feel the thick air?
The quiet humble sigh?
The loss of "You" and "I"?
A chest bare and hallowing out,
Letting loose,
Giving way to screams and shouts,
All trapped... Alas.

Time repeats itself,
Time repeats itself,
Fallen off your shelf and smashed into tiny bits of rough glass,
Can we all just laugh again?
Can we all wish and then have a dream that makes it worth saving?
The silence leaves me craving,
Ravenous for a life that flashes in my eyes,
But flies away in a breeze of worn empathy.

The mind begins to plead,
The limbs tirelessly need...
The mind then only will feed on itself.
A sickness for all my wealth of love and patience,
Things I always held too and felt through,
Trying only to get to you.
The place is empty.
It does not want me or need me to just be.
Can you release or just fall to pieces?

Brittle and enraged,
Casting lonely gazes,
Looking for new results in impossible mazes,
The heart wants it does not receive,
It dies a little,
Another plea...
Come back to me,
Don't rule out hope,
Every day changes faster then the next,
Will I always be this thing,
The thing that brings unrest?